Thursday, November 29

bitter with pain

Assignments and coursework,lab reports and homework. Urghhhh... When I got myself into this mood, I really need to distract myself with...something I could do to forget everything.For example;shopping ke-skyping ke-movie etc.etc.( despite knowing that actually the only way is to go back to Allah,teruknya ayu ni,Alquran kan ada ) The reason is that,I am very scared of "giving up". I can define giving up to so many definitions. Contohnya, secebis perasaan kesal dalam hati. hmm. And you know what, I can sense something not so good,but lets just pray to Allah,imma survive everything. There are so many reasons to why I really wanna be here at the first place. The first thing that came across my mind when mentioning about studying overseas is 'ayah'. Ayah la everything for me. Setiap kali dapat markah teruk, or even bila I actually got any good news in my studies, semuanya untuk Ayah. I dont know if I can share you guys with this one story of mine. Just so you know, my dream university was Uni of Manchester. and I was one step away to actually becoming one of the student there. Got the conditional offer and I was so happy until I did imagined myself being in Manchester. Selalu google gambar library dia, lecture hall dia. Haha. and ayah wasnt on the same line as me. He really wished that I could go to queen mary or imperial college. and guess what, I betrayed him. lol. I foresee myself that I can survive in Manchester, doing the course that I dont have any interest in it (sebab dekat manchester takde biomedical engineering,so sebab sanggup nak masuk sana, pilih jugak course lain). and there you go, after my ib results came out, Manchester rejected my offer for not meeting their requirements and akhirnya doa ayah jadi kenyataan. And today,here I am,studying in Queen Mary,University of London in Biomedical Engineering. Haihh. Tengok. I told you. Ayah is my everything. Hmm. Ya, one more thing, dulu saya selalu sedih because ayah always compared me to abang. Abang is a good son. responsible and kind of a lovely brother I can say. haha. senang je nak mintak pape dekat dia,dia mesti belanja. hahahaha. and among my siblings, memang saya admit saya nakal sikit. Paling selalu habiskan duit mama and ayah,paling selalu keluar lepak dengan kawan, paling selalu merayau sana-sini,paling selalu melawan. Entah la, bila dah jauh dari mama and ayah ni, I realised something. Selalu bila jalan sorang sorang pergi uni,teringat kena marah dengan ayah and mama dulu-dulu. lepas tu berazam nak buat mama and ayah proud of me,walaupun saya paling nakal dalam family. Bukan sahaja dunia, tapi sampai syurga nanti. But to change for the better is not easy. if we are in the process of changing,sometimes the process can be very slow. sometimes it feels like ages to change. Sometimes,at a certain point we would have the feeling of unsure,incapable, exhausted and end up putting a fullstop. To change physically and mentally as well. Sebab tu I would want to go far away from the people I know. Susah sangat,serious. And when you have someone you love the most and that one person can sometimes be reason you wanna change and the reason you turn back and put down the effort for a while,trust me it wasnt easy at all. I know, to change is not a handful lot of big changes that we need, but it is just enough of a tip of effort that will never stop. no matter what. Quoted from someone. Betul apa dia cakap, untuk berubah bukan dengan satu perubahan yang besar, tapi I really hope I can change slowly..and consistently. InsyaAllah.

Ayah,mama,abang,adik, kakak akan jadi orang yang paling korang proud of satu hari nanti. Hahahahahahaha. ok macam bajet pun ada. hahaha and and and kakak nak kahwin awal. lol. bye :PP

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